Monday, December 6, 2010

I Wrote This On Thursday, Posted It And Then Deleted It

I got a 48% on my last chemistry test.  I don't know what's going on.  I used to be that girl who got upset if her grades were in the low 90s, because there was just no effort involved in an essay or test.  But that's not true.  I worked hard, I guess, but everything last year just looks so easy compared with this... and so I've taught myself not to care too much.  I know I'm at a horribly challenging school and everyone's in the same situation, and I deal with the ego blows.  But I am not dealing with this.  Not very well.  I don't understand, I'm getting behind, and I haven't got the self-control to say no to a massage or conversation and go study.  Why should I?  Don't I want to have something to regret from high school?  But writing that I realize that the academics are all that will speak.  Why do we have to figure out how to get through secondary school at the time when we could spend every hour of every day figuring out what's going through our blood and still not work out who we are.  I don't know who I am, but I don't think I like her very much.  She lies, she can't take anything for an answer because the minute she's got what she wanted she wants to move on.  She's not a hypocrite and she doesn't try to hurt people, but she wants to do things that would.  So maybe she is.  And you can tell she's not very decisive.  I also sometimes worry that she's too assertive.  I feel like people think of me in very masculine terms sometimes, just because I'm very assertive and loud and.... I don't know.  I definitely can be extremely girly, but I'm somehow.... ashamed of that.  I feel silly.  So I try not to do it. 

I'm listening to the Hairspray soundtrack in study hall and failing to study.  Vanilla can be nice but, truth be told....  I've got swim practice next, and then ensemble.  Oh, the people round here can barely pay their rent/they're tryin'a make a dollar out of fifteen cents.... My trombone still makes me happy, but I don't play much because it makes me miss jazzband and my friends at home.  When push comes to shove... I love that term.  I don't know why.  I wrote a song a few years ago, and that was the only rhyme I could come up with for love, but that bit was terrible.  It started like this:

You're my cure
You're the one
That I call when I'm blue
And I always sleep better
When I'm sleeping with you

I've been writing again.  Just in the past couple days, and I don't know why.  Suddenly in chemistry I'll just have to scribble a line down, and feel like the romantic, idealistic little girl I was so glad I no longer am a few weeks ago.... wow.  Tense fail.  (anyway, maybe that's got something to do with my grades) But maybe she's more honest than whoever sleeps in my bed and layers my tights today.  

Half the dorm is sick and the rest of us are hoping for a quarantine.  It could a) be fantastic for studying b) cause midterms to be canceled.  Either would be dreamy.  Just to be locked in my room would be a sort of socializing detox.  I'd have Skype and iChat and facebook, but I would probably finish all the books I've started instead of talking or working.  But I do love the people I live with, the way they're just here for me.  Today at lunch, one of the girls from the other wing just wandered into my room and we had lunch on my floor - just bread, cheese, salami, things I had in my fridge - and chatted for twenty minutes.  I love that.  'Cause the wold keeps spinning 'round and 'round....

I spend so much time calculating what to say, wear, write, listen to, so that everyone will think I don't care what they think.  So *censored*ing stupid.  And I'm scared to post this, because I'm that indestructible, un-angsty, bouncy, perky, immune-to love, immune-to-hate chick.  But here, something's different.  I have never, ever felt like anyone was attracted to me before, but it's only now that I'm sort of learning to be ashamed of my body.  Which I love, by the way.  As you know.  I love my arms and my thighs and my neck and my face - but they don't feel like mine, like parts of my body.  And, conversely, weirdly, I'm "throwing it around" a lot more than I did at my old school.  I guess I'm just more comfortable with these people.  One of the teachers gave me a hilarious look yesterday evening because a friend of mine came over to me and we put our arms around one another's waists, just the way we always do... I just want to get out of my body and everything it means and tells people.

I hate geography.  It's the only thing that keeps me apart from my friends.

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